12 Steps To Leaving The House With Children

There are somethings you don’t understand about parenthood, until, you are, an actual parent. You can think you understand those things, but. You don’t. The obvious example of what I’m talking about? Trying to leave the house with kids. (Or even just one kid in our case)

During a particularly elongated attempt  at leaving the house, I decided to write down the twelve steps at leaving the house, when you have little people.

  1. Suggestion. This is normally when someone comes up with an idea of a thing to do. People without kids normally just get ready to go at this point.
  2. Negotiation. When you all work out where you want to go.
  3. Settlement on a plan. DECIDE SOMETHING!!
  4. Realising that the plan you settled on isn’t for whatever reason, going to work, and therefore, you go with the original idea.
  5. Start getting everyone washed, dressed, and shoes on. This step can take two maybe three hours.
  6. Ponder going to Tesco whilst you wait for small person / people to start getting ready.
  7. Time for Threats
  8. Time for Bribery
  9. Ponder if its too early for wine? 
  10. Someone starts cleaning whilst waiting for someone else.
  11. Ensure everyone who needs the toilet has gone to the toilet.
  12. Finish getting shoes on.
  13. Pack the inevitably needed snack.
  14. Pack some emergency wine.
  15. Realise that “someone” didn’t brush their teeth. Send them back to actually do it this time.
  16. Drink the flipping emergency wine.
  17. Leaving.
  18. Coming back to check if the door is locked.
  19. Leaving.
  20. Coming back to grab the camera.
  21. Leaving.
  22. “I NEED THE TOILET”
  23. Leaving.
  24. Time for Shouting.
  25. Time for Wailing.
  26. Time for Gnashing of teeth!!!
  27. Leaving and having a happy day. (Phew)

Yes. There are more then 12 steps.

There was always going to be more then 12 steps involved in getting children ready to go out.

What do you think I’ve missed?

What My Fridge Says
Mudpie Fridays

Questions While Watching CBeebies

I love CBeebies. (The BBCs dedicated TV channel for little people). Yeah I’ve said it. Almost anything released on CBeebies seems to at least survivable for parents to watch. (Dont mention Teletubbies -they are exception here).

But I can’t help but have some questions about some of the CBeebies Shows I catch myself watching…*

Andys Prehistoric Adventures

Questions When Watching CBeebies Andys Prehistoric Adventures

Andy’s Prehistoric Adventures for example. Sure OK, he’s had a history of flying around the world, but this time travelling thing.

How did Andy discover he can travel in time?

From what I can tell, Andy can only travel in time when the clock chimes, and he stands in front of it in time to shout the time he wants to travel to. Its a system with so many ways to go wrong, it makes the Doctors TARDIS look accurate.

How did he discover that this all happened?

Postman Pat

Well. Where do I start? Historically, Pats not been reliable or efficient at being a postman. Which considering “Postman” is his first name, is kinda unfortunate. How has he kept his job for so so long?

This level of inefficiency of his work leads me onto my next question about Postman Pat. Where the sticking heck did he get a flipping helicopter from?  He delivers pretty much just around the countryside. He’d be fine delivering from a van. Maybe I’m just jealous?

Maybe I want a helicopter for my work?

Teletubbies

Teletubbies, are the exception to the “CBeebies are good” rule. The show is a terrifying blip on the CBeebies landscape, they make the characters of In The Night Garden seem normal, and not like a drug induced trip through a hallucinogenic mushroom forest.

But I guess small kids love it.

Teletubbies annoyed me when they first appeared. This new incarnation of Teletubbies seem to have Teletubbie babies.

Aren’t Teletubbies meant to be babies themselves? If so, how in the name of Justins ass does that work?

Get Well Soon

Lovely innocent show featuring Dr Ranj being a kind Doctor to a bunch of worried puppets. I wonder if Dr Ranj has ever had to give a puppet bad news?

Kate and Mim-Mim

Charming show. Google describes it as:

Kate is a young girl with a wild imagination. It’s that imagination that attracts a bunny named Mim-Mim, who becomes a larger-than-life playmate for Kate as they travel to the fantasy world of Mimiloo. Kate goes there whenever she has a problem at home that she needs to solve. In Mimiloo, Kate can be whatever she wants, from a princess to a pirate. Other residents of Mimiloo include gardener Gobble, inventor Tack and mischievous Boomer. When each adventure ends, Kate has solved her problem and is anxious to get home to tell her parents about it.

What I want to know is, what’s happening in the “real world” whilst Kate is in her fantasy world of Mimiloo? Has she collapsed? Is she frozen? Or is she simply sat there, unresponsive, like a young girl in front of a TV screen?

In The Night Garden

This is Teletubbies for the next generation. If Teletubbies is about babies learning to talk, In The Night Garden appears to be the fevered dream of Iggle Piggle as he drifts alone on the ocean.

Within this dream, we seem to find The Night Garden. There we find a number of “interesting” characters, including Upsy Daisy, how does she make her hair – and skirt stand up like that on demand?

Each episode of In The Night Garden ends with Iggle Piggle being told by a calming voice, “Its Ok Iggle Piggle, its time to go”. Considering the state we find him at the start of the episode, does this mean that each episode of the childrens bedtime favorite, ends with the death of the main character? 

 

Have you got any questions or wonderings about CBeebies shows similar to the above? 

*This is meant to be taken light-hearted. Honest. I didn’t mean it to all go a little bit #CbeebiesDarkThoughts. Honest…

What My Fridge Says

Dealing With Post Christmas Horrific Child Syndrome

Judging from the collective Facebook related screams from various parents. And the state of this households sanity. I’m convinced that Post Christmas Horrific Child Syndrome is a thing.

Post Christmas Horrific Child Syndrome, or PCHC for short is when children of a certain age realise that the presents have dried up, exciting Christmas trips are not a thing any more, and chocolate for breakfast is no longer acceptable.

Basically, Post Christmas Horrific Child Syndrome is when children are trying to accept that normality is slowly returning. This results in behavior that you wouldn’t normally have to deal with. (EG. Screaming “No don’t dance with open scissors!”)

If you are also dealing with PCHC, there is no immediate guidance here. Except of course.

Drink Wine.

Responsibly.

How To Get Good Seats At The School Nativity Play

I don’t know about you, but I find there’s something oddly exciting about having a small one in Foundation Year at School, as there are a lot of “firsts” happening at this time of life. First day at school… First end of week meltdown… First school nativity’s… One thing I’ve noticed about School Nativity Plays, apart from how they seem to be both amazing, and super cute, is that they are very popular with parents / any other grown ups. And all these grown ups seem to want to get prime viewing positions (which is fair enough).

But how can you get the good seats at a school nativity play?

Here’s our tips*:

  1. Involve Spy / Friend on the inside who’s paid enough attention to know the quick way in.
  2. Use your Ninja skills to sneak past people.
  3. Invest in some bribe material for the school receptionist. (Chocolate, or alcohol would usually do the trick)
  4. Wear some American football style armor.
  5. Use any PE Equipment / Zip Wire to your advantage.
  6. Stuck at the back of the queue? Get talking to the person in front of you, once conversation starts to die down, get talking to the person in front of where you are now. And repeat…
  7. Walk in while wearing a nativity costume. Enough people may sit far enough away from you, so you end up getting a good seat anyway.
  8. Fly a drone into the school hall, watch nativity via drones camera.
  9. Involve a well placed confused old dear to stand in (other) peoples way.
  10. Sleeping bag. Reserve your place when the school closes the day before.

Any other ideas?

*Obviously if you do any of this, people may look at you oddly / arrange for you to be arrested. Good Luck…